Say The Last Goodbye
by Avoline Malfoy
Summary: "What where you thinking," she demanded gently. "I wasn't," he answered helplessly. "I thought I could pull it off, then we could disappear and I'd stay away from them as long as possible." He sighed, using all his strength to keep the tears from his eyes. IMPLIED CHARACTER DEATH, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


_Disclaimer: I own nothing_

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 _The darn bunny trails! They just keep coming! And how is it I can flip through characters like pages of a book._

 _Anyway, another sappy, sad one for you. So sit back, grab the tissues, and enjoy!_

 _Love always,_

 _Avoline_

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Balthazar stared at her as she washed up the dishes, his heart heavy with emotion. He knew what he had to do to protect her, but bloody hell, it cut him to the grace to do it. He needed her in his life, no matter how short hers would be. But keeping her around meant putting her in danger, a type of danger that could, and he was almost sure would, kill her.

Either way, he would loose her.

His chest tightened when she turned and smiled at him. Her blond hair swayed as she made her way over to him from the sink. His heart warred with his mind, coming up with at least three thousand ways he could keep her safe. But he knew that no matter what, Castiel or Crowley would still find her. While Castiel might not kill her, Crowley would take great pleasure in using her as leverage against him. Balthazar wasn't sure he could handle watching the demon torture the small woman.

"What's wrong, Balthie," she whispered, and he barely managed to keep his emotions from breaking free. How was he going to explain this to her? And why did her bright green eyes have to be filled with so much love? He always thought humans had it easy once they found the person they were meant to be with, but now he knew the truth. While beautiful, love was also the most painful thing in the known universe.

She had become his weakness, his sanctuary, and his father above knew he cherished every second with her. Each memory they made together was precious to him, and every chance he got to be with her, he was by her side. Before now, he only saw her when he thought of the future.

But now? Now, when he thought of their future together, he could see her, bloodied and broken, dead in his arms. He wasn't sure which was worse, but they both would loose either way. She would either be alone or dead; he would be alone regardless. He would rather her be alive with no memory of him than dead because of his selfishness.

"If only I had a simple answer for you, Tanya," he murmured, his voice choked and straining. "If only life was really as simple as I wish it were." Her golden brow furrowed in confusion.

"Balthazar, what are you talking about," she questioned. He cupped her cheek with one hand, while the other held hers.

"Castiel is working with a demon," he began softly, trying to find the right words to convey how deep in trouble he was. "He's trying to keep the Winchesters from finding out, and I'm trying to play all parties involved for fools. But the Winchesters have figured it out, and Castiel is starting to realize there's a mole." She shook her head.

"What where you thinking," she demanded gently. "Balthazar, what on Earth where you thinking?"

"I wasn't," he answered helplessly. "I thought I could pull it off, then we could disappear and I'd stay away from them as long as possible." He sighed, using all his strength to keep the tears from his eyes. "But, dear Dad, how I was wrong."

"We can still disappear," she suggested, his ears picking up the slight desperation. "We can pack our bags now and go. You know how to cut your grace out so they can never find you."

He silently cursed himself. She knew what he was working up to, and he knew she was trying her hardest to find some way to keep them together. And he wished that they could still be together. But he had already thought of that, and he knew they would still find him. He had to let her go, and leave her with no memory that he ever existed.

"Tanya, you know we can't," he responded, his voice so soft he barely heard it himself. "They'll still find us. And if they find you, they'll hurt you." He felt the moisture forming at his eyelids. "I can't risk that. I can't risk them using you. This is the only way to guarantee they won't." A choked sob passed her lips before she pressed herself against him.

"Don't," she pleaded. "Balthazar, please, don't do this. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to live without you!"

He held her close, a dull ache forming in his chest. He was certain it was his heart breaking, but he couldn't really be sure. This was his first true love, and now his first heartbreak. For a second, he actually thought about carving his grace out and running off to another country with her. But the image of her lifeless body floated to the front of his mind, reminding him of why he was doing this.

"Tanya, luv, please," he soothed. "Don't cry. Please don't." He gently pushed her back and wiped the tears from her eyes as they fell. "How about a deal? If I survive, I'll come back and restore your memories. I promise."

"And if you don't," she asked hoarsely.

"Well, you won't have to live with the pain, then," he replied. "You'll never know, cause there won't be any memory of me. You'll be able to move on with your life and not remember the angel who put you in danger. Can you do that for me? Don't ask for a fail safe if something happens. Just live." She nodded, and he took a deep breath.

Then he raised his hand and pressed two fingers to her forehead.

* * *

He watched her as she awoke, standing invisible in the corner of her room. Tears flowed down his face as she looked around, confused and alone. He knew this would be his last look at her. Castiel wasn't stupid, and this whole Purgatory deal had made him dangerous. If Cas suspected Balthazar of being the mole, he wouldn't hesitate to run an angel blade through him.

But she was safe now. Nothing would come after her. No one would threaten her because of him ever again. He silently apologized to her for ever putting her in danger, for the tears and the heartbreak and the moments where she feared he was dead. He wouldn't burden her ever again.

Someone was summoning him. Probably the Winchesters. He wiped at his face, erasing all evidence that he had been crying. He would not let the Winchesters see that anything was bothering him. For all they knew, he was his typical, prick-ish self.

He stole one last glance at her as she spoke to a friend on the phone. She would find someone and have a normal life, something he couldn't give her no matter how different everything had been.

He didn't even say a thing as he left her home for the last time.


End file.
